I was having lunch with her at Zinc Cafe about 7 years ago. Doing one of my moaning sessions of "why's". She looked at me, my amazing mentor, with her piercing blue eyes that not even the worlds best manipulator, moi, could tell a lie to, and she said..............
"You are holding this bag of jewels, it is the most amazing bag of jewels you would ever imagine and yet you keep them tied up in that fabulous bag that no one can see through. What would happen if you just turned that bag inside out and let all those jewels shine?"
I thought to myself, as I often did, "well I AM!!! I AM showing my jewels, to all those I teach!" As if she read my mind she said, "You are not shining who you REALLY are!"
A short time later I sat in front of a self proclaimed guru, bowed down to her in humility, or so I thought, and she cut through me with similar words. The clarity came to me in that moment. My understanding was, "I know who I am when I am on the mat or on my back. I know how to share my authentic self in making love and in teaching yoga, the two most vulnerable actions in my life. My two deepest offerings I know how to give. Why could I not show who I really was in ALL of my life?"
This question was pondered through many fires. It was not until I realized that ALL of me was not just OK but fabulous, did I RESPECT the opportunity to show who I was. It was not until I found, explored, acted upon and honored my dark nasty, naughty self, did I really give myself permission to be who I really am. It was not until I decided that just because this "dark" part of me exists, it does not write the story of who I strive to be.
The dark side of me has been my survival mechanism and for that I am alive and sharing these words with you today. It was my loving side that could hold the nastiest being, me, in my own arms and tell her that she will be OK on her path! I will be OK in this path! It was not until I realized that by being who I am that I would stop manipulating the world to get what I wanted and instead I would open to the universe to receive what was not only right for me but what was right for all beings. When I open to this, I see the control, I see the lack of trust and for that I surrender deeper into that place, where I used to use manipulation, to find the real journey of my guided way through being who I really am..........................
Sometimes naughty, sometimes hard, sometimes I shut it out, sometimes I eat pizza knowing my stomach will hurt, losing that consciousness that I know even when I know it will keep me "safe". Other times I am fully in my being and power offering all that I have to offer, feeling the pain of others suffering, receiving judgments as a mirror to the accuser that they too may find the truth of who they really are. All the while knowing that no matter what, I am being who I really am.
Let go of the control, ease into that place you might be ashamed of and find out what really ticks beneath all your sweet spiritual regurgitation. Understand who you are by letting the occasional "slip" be alive and OK so that you may do extreme noticing and shift it to a place that serves all beings. Just because we have a dark side does not mean you have to act upon it. But in order to know the balance you must know it exists.
In the Yoga Sutras II-55, Patanjali explains that in order to obtain enlightenment, one must relinquish the senses. Well in order to relinquish the senses, one must know what they are. Get in your body, feel who you are, all of you and only then may you fully be who you REALLY are...................
The good the bad & the dirty, but most likely, a beautiful bag of jewels that shine brighter than you can ever imagine!
From one imperfect being to another.
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